Health: Cortisone, Writing Motivation

The cortisone injection last week went well, with the doctor successfully injecting the area on the first attempt. The pain of the needle going in was not that bad, I was reading SuperBetter on my Kindle during the process, to help distract me from the pain, it did help a bit. Then as the injection of the fluid occurred the pain skyrocketed, it felt like a large object landing on the area; the doctor said that this could be a good sign, as it indicates that the injection had hit the right area due to how sensitive it was.

My body had an immediate reaction to the amount of pain, I started sweating a lot and nearly passed out. However, the experience sorting out my damaged right ear was far worse, so to anyone reading this due to worrying about their own cortisone injection I’d say yes it will be painful, but you will handle it. The pain experienced for the next two days was more like how the shoulder pain had been a few weeks ago, so not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Writing & Motivation

Whilst things had improved a little bit I have still lacked motivation to do much, as well as still needing to prioritise doing nothing. So despite receiving positive feedback about the Kaizo Trap and Cyberpunk articles in particular, I have not finished any articles for a few weeks, and I had planned follow-ups on those previous articles. At least I have had time to think about them, but after making a few notes, I then don’t have the urge to continue. Considering I could ramble on using speech recognition whilst in bed it would seem easy enough, but I just didn’t want to, until today when I got so frustrated I decided to ramble a bit.

One of my coping mechanisms whilst resting up has been watching all sorts of videos, I have written a NoobGrind article about Gaming and Disability: Value of Video, which as per normal for me turned into a thousand word piece. I hope to be able to maintain motivation and get back to writing articles about role-playing games and my professional experiences.

What’s Next?

I have another doctor’s appointment today, and I will need a further sicknote extension for hopefully just a week or two, and then maybe the injection will prove to have been effective. As mobility has improved I have been at least able to do a tiny amount of yoga and tai chi, and I hope that this progress will help trigger further strengthening without interfering with the current healing by re-aggravating something. I am still having to hold off at attempting anything Brazilian Jiu Jitsu related.

As pain reduces and health improves, I expect (hope) motivation will return. I guess if things don’t improve then I will have to change mental gears anyway. SuperBetter is helping, but I will write about that another time.

Cortisone, Future Health & Physiotherapy

At the time of writing this I am a few hours away from having a cortisone injection in my left shoulder. The swelling from last year finally started to reduce a few weeks ago, and has nearly gone. The constant pain from the left shoulder, to back of the left shoulder blade, and then up my neck has only reduced a little bit. Although doing more than nothing still quickly increases this pain.

I received whiplash a few weeks ago during an emergency brake, even though it was not a particularly dramatic incident. It just shows how susceptible a person with a weakness is to injury.

My current sick-note is due to expire next Monday. It is hard to estimate whether the cortisone injection will give such a rapid improvement in 6 days, but hopefully it will.

I expect the injection to hurt, and whilst it may not help, I think it is worth trying at this stage. A few weeks ago I read a few articles and research papers on the subject, for example:  http://overhaultraining.com/cortisone-injections/

One of the things I kept reading was how key physiotherapy is, regardless of having cortisone or not. Since I desperately want to be able to exercise again, partly because I miss Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and partly because I have put quite a lot of weight on, the sooner I can start exercising a lot more the better. I have been doing some very simple exercises, small shoulder and neck movements, as well as short works of a mile or two. However, I was advised by three doctors that doing more than this currently is not advised.

The trouble is determining when can I start to do more? Sensibly a few more weeks of basic movement is what I should stick to, and at the moment I am considering re-joining a local gym to get access to the swimming pool, sauna and spa. I am aware it is better to be sensible then do too much and quickly aggravate the injured area again.

Blog Mission Statement & RP Guide

Two weeks ago I received some great feedback about my blogs, in particular two people saying my writing had humbled them. Given how small a blog is at the start, and how likely it is to remain small, I have wondered about whether the effort involved is worthwhile. Even posting once in a while can still take up a fair bit of time, especially since then I feel like I need to put more effort into the rare blogs that I do make; this is on top of the issue of using speech recognition, and how slow I am due to avoiding being in front of a computer for too long. However, the reasons why I started writing blog posts remain the same, and given my recent health it remains one of my constructive outlets, even if it is small and really only for my benefit.

As I have started writing (dictating) stories about my life, I have considered how this will impact any people who were involved. So far I have contacted several people about whether they are happy with me discussing incidents they are involved in, and currently everyone has said yes; I have more people to ask. I am focusing on good situations, but since negative incidents can lead to re-examining ideas and improving myself, I know I need to be respectful about them as well. Like just about everyone, surely everyone, I have been involved in several negative incidents, from role-playing session flare-ups as a teenager, to leaving a LARP I cared about for reasons I didn’t explain, to professional disputes at a games company, I have pondered whether it is lying via omission to avoid mentioning incidents, or to mention but not explain, especially since they often helped shape many of my ideas. My conclusion is that I would rather focus on the positive, plus I am also aware that incidents occur generally for more than one reason, and often all parties played a factor and thus share part of the blame; I want to avoid needing to make a pie chart based on my perspective of allocated blame.

After leaving KJC games I started writing a role-playing (RP) guide. I had many reasons for doing this. Although some of the customers had a great understanding of role-playing, others didn’t. Additionally, at the time no one had written a players guide to RP, and there were very few GM guides, most of which I did not rate. For my RP guide I pondered whether to include an anecdote section, it was already pushing over 300 pages so adding anecdotes seemed like overkill, as well potentially a negative thing. Eventually I decided to write a lot because then I could decide on a case-by-case basis, but for all of them I tried to be neutral and constructive with my conclusions. It was interesting writing them, mostly because the majority of them occurred when I was a teenager. Reflecting on them was funny, especially since I had learnt a lot more since then. This resulted in giving me better insights in to my youth, and helping to further clarify my decisions about gaming and the consequences of things, and in a few cases radically changing an opinion.

It occurred to me that my concern about blog posts is similar to my thoughts about my RP guide and anecdotes. I think trying to maintain a respectful attitude is best for all involved, particularly me; this is my mission statement for the blog. I reserve the right to write (dictate) a rant, but I think it would be a big mistake to do so. I contemplated writing something more dramatic, or poetic, than this, but the spirit of what I have written is what matters to me.

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 Personal update: my injured left shoulder and neck were made worse at the start of this week due to an emergency stop in a vehicle. Due to the area’s weakened state I now have whiplash, resulting in the pain feeling as agonising as when the injury got really bad, and the knock-on sleep issues.

360° BBC Click and RSI (Wrists)

Every week I watch Click, a technology programme on the BBC. I think the show does a great job of providing up to date tech news. I also really like the presenters, in particular Spencer Kelly and Kate Russell.

On 11^th March 2016 the programme was released with two versions, the standard and a 360° version. This was the first programme to be entirely 360°, so given this landmark and the fact it was Click, I decided to check it out.

I thought this special episode was spectacular. I was very impressed with the choice of locations: the opening shot is of an office with Spencer explaining what it is about happen helps to prepare the viewer for:

“Travel by helicopter to the desolate face of a glacier in the Swiss alps, go 100m underground inside the world’s largest physics experiment CERN with never-before-seen footage of the complex, witness world firsts: the 360 degree magic trick and a preview of computer game SUPERHOT”

I’m sure the majority of people will really enjoy this type of interactivity. Unlike in a normal episode were the editor has already determined what the focus of each shot would be, in a 360° episode the user will be changing the display focus a lot. This is often the case when a change of scene occurs, or maybe when a different person is talking. Add to this novelty of looking at everything, thus I regularly found myself rewinding parts of the video, so I could watch the video time-frame again, but each viewing I focused on a different part of the scene.

As somebody with RSI in my wrists, this level of constant interaction is an issue, due to needing to limit my interaction with keyboard/mouse. My normal method of navigating my system is via the speech recognition. Besides the problem of any audio playing making the software less likely to be effective, the speech navigation process wouldn’t work effectively with the current program. This is due to the amount of speech commands that would be required and how fast the images are changing. I took regular breaks whilst the video, so it took quite a while to watch it all. Crucially I enjoyed the experience, I thought the episode used the technology well, and it was not just a gimmick. Unfortunately I now know that watching a 360° video, whilst constantly updating the focus, is something that I should avoid, or carefully make use of.

Currently there is not much 360° media to consume, so I am not missing out on much. However, over the coming years this is likely to change, in particular when one considers the examples being shown with the new generation of virtual reality headsets. The Click video had comments by people stating that they watched the episode using a VR headset, and that they found the experience incredibly immersive. Of course I would like to try that, but currently I have chronic pain on the left side of my upper body due to shoulder swelling, which affects my neck, so the idea of adding even a small amount of weight to my head by using a headset is horrifying.

 

The BBC also have a special report about how the 360° episode. Whilst in the show they do explain the process well, the written report adds a bit more information, and I would recommend reading it as well.

I look forward to being able to play SUPERHOT, particular with a VR headset, although that will have to wait. It seems a sure thing that VR headset will become a major part of gaming. This will be great for most people, as well as helping some disabled or temporarily injured people, whilst being an issue for others. As this technology develops, the ever continuing problem of speculating what could happen next will continue on.

I am not sure about the viability of the majority of videos media becoming 360°. I think with factors like the effects upon on the creation process, such as such as having to hide the crew and equipment, as well as cost increase, there is unlikely to be a rapid change. Never mind the issue of whether making a video 360° provides much bonus.

There will surely be exceptions that utilise the technology well, such as a film plot about the nature of perception, or an animation that does not have the issue of camera placement and green screening the majority of a scene. Maybe other technology, like a cybernetic headset on each actor and even multiple inanimate objects, will take the whole process to the next level!

Cyberpunk RPG and CRPG: style and substance

I have written an article ‘Cyberpunk 2077 a smart linked chromed sandbox’ for NoobGrind (Edit – site is gone now). My gaming group and I first watched the Cyberpunk 2077 trailer around the time it was released; I think we had been looking up something to do with Cyberpunk, whilst playing in a Cyberpunk tabletop role-playing session. We were quite excited, in part because the teaser trailer was well done, but additionally because CD Projekt Red was involved.

The person running the gaming session that night has probably run more Cyberpunk games than most people on the planet, including me, and I’ve run a silly amount. So for us the announcement of Cyberpunk 2077 was a big deal, as I’m sure it is for many other role players around the planet.

I was first introduced to the Cyberpunk 2013 whilst at high school, I think in late 1988 via the Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) club. In 1987 I played nearly every school lunchtime with some older lads, and via them I meet another old chap called Pete, although I forget exactly when. I had been introduced to some other systems via the D&D club, in particular Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay & Battle, plus Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader; I started collecting Skaven and Space Marines around then, then Eldar 2 years later. Of course I had read Tolkien, as well as quite a lot of other fantasy and sci-fi, but looking back I don’t recall reading any cyberpunk books before 89. I think I had seen Dark Future in White Dwarf around this time.

Even back then Pete’s style of game mastering was different to the majority that I had experienced via the D&D club. There was a fun intensity combined with a mature character realism that was less common in most of the D&D games I had played; in part due to our ages. I got to know Pete a little bit, he was odd that he didn’t seem intimidated by people, he had mentioned studying Muay Thai, which I had seen on the telly as a young lad and I thought was psychotic and cool. I once saw Pete stand-up to a much bigger lad bullying people, the lad realised Pete was not worth the hassle and backed down. I think it was this confidence, as well as his relaxed attitude that gave Pete’s games an extra level of fun; it also helps that I was exposed to a new gaming system.

Back in the 80s there were not many cyberpunk style computer games, but my friends and I had at least had some solid reference points via movies, which helped us grasp the setting of Cyberpunk 2013 the RPG. The violence and cybernetics of Robocop was a big influence, the film noir style of Bladerunner, the example of ordinary humans trying to stop Arnie in The Terminator, and even psychic inspiration of a near future setting in Neo Tokyo of Akira.

By 1990 I had Cyberpunk 2020, and yet another expanding RPG book collection. At the time of writing this I started dictating gaming anecdotes about my Cyberpunk experiences, but I’ll save them for future articles.

I just hope that by the time Cyberpunk 2077 does come out, that I am healed enough to be able to play it without worrying about physical problems. Although I have Dragon NaturallySpeaking, if only real-life was as simple as buying a cyber arm for 3000eurodollars, as well as 1200 for a neural processor so I can get a Pain Editor!

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Role-Play Timeline, article 2 https://batjutsu.wordpress.com/2016/05/17/role-play-meets-lord-of-the-flies/

40th Birthday

I recently celebrated my 40th birthday, which despite the chronic pain was still an enjoyable day, and it’s nice to write about something positive. I do not put any particular emphasis on specific days, since I try to treat every day as special, but I appreciate that some days are more special than others. I had a small family get-together; we enjoyed a tasty collection of Chinese food and a bit of cake. Technically this had been my breakfast since I had been up the previous night and slept most of the day, as once again my sleep cycle was out of sync.

Whilst I don’t expect presents from friends or family I do very much appreciate gifts. Although I am not much of an alcohol drink normally I have recently been using it for medicinal reasons, roughly one or two units a day, so it was nice to receive several different drinks. The wife bought me an amusing present, a collection of treats in a bin; I have mentioned needing a small bin for my new room. The nice secondary joke being that a large collection of sweets is rubbish for my diet, but at least I’m generally good at rationing out treats.

I have been contemplating upgrading my PC for a few years, and have received money towards this. Thankfully I have a powerful enough PC, and I have not needed to upgrade my CPU, memory, or motherboard for years. As the requirements for high-end PC games have lessened over the last few years, in part due to so many games being made for consoles, the hasn’t been a need to upgrade; yes there are games that demand more resources but I don’t particularly care about playing Crysis in maximum specs. Due to resting and avoiding computer use I don’t particularly need a more powerful system, but speech recognition software like Dragon NaturallySpeaking does benefit from having more system resources, so have recently been looking at a more powerful system.

To PC or not to PC.

About a year ago I had been contemplating having a big celebration; my sister had one when she turned forty, and that was a fun evening. I had pondered the idea of asking to use the ITC gym (Sukata), since a lot of the people I would have been inviting train martial arts there, in particular Brazilian jiu-jitsu (BJJ). Although I was not one of the club superstars, I do like to think that when I was healthier I was a good training partner, which is an invaluable asset for the more talented, healthier and dedicated practitioners. Hopefully I will be back training and healthy for my 41st birthday, and if so I can have a large party then.

Although I have read dismissive comments about how irrelevant or pathetic a Facebook or email message saying “Happy Birthday” is, I disagree. Even a short message takes time and effort for somebody to do, and whilst it is possible to set up a script to automate sending emails to people on the birthday, it is not something that the general person would do. This is why I appreciate the effort.

This blog post nearly ended up being about the placebo effect, but I decided to separate that information for a future post. In the end was more a collection of thoughts about how my life is not all bad.

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This was written (dictated to) listening to the splendid new track by Leslie Wai, a cover of Modern Love but with some great tweaks. He is the wizard behind the Kaizo Trap music. I have blogged about Kaizo Trap before, and I wrote an article for NoobGrind about it.

Music: pain management and mental health

Due to being bed ridden I have been listening to more than I normally do, and I normally listened to a lot! But before I get to the science, music and my love of all things Anathema, first an update:

The ongoing chronic pain in my left shoulder and neck resulted in me losing two of my major passions months ago: martial arts and computer gaming. For months my thoughts have been dominated by pain, and any attempts to estimate when I can return to these two hobbies is impossible to compute, further frustrating my current mind-set. Like so many other people facing major injuries/illness, looking forward to things improving is an important part of maintaining morale; not being able to do so is horrid.

I have already experienced having to make a difficult life changing decision due to the development of permanent repetitive strain injuries in my wrists. Years ago I had to stop playing competitive real-time strategy (RTS) or first person shooter (FPS) games due to the intense twitch-based requirement to compete.

It is accepted that general exercise can help regulate mood, and active distractions such as electronic gaming can greatly help in pain management. ¹

I am trying to spend as much time in bed as possible doing nothing, to limit aggravating my injury, and so I will heal faster; I’m barely even walking. So in addition to losing two of my hobbies, they are additionally things that would have generally good physical and mental health beneficial effects.

Fortunately I at least have music listen to, and this still provides a distraction from pain²; whether this is due the power of imagination with the music taking the listener on a virtual journey, or due to specialised brain regions triggering dopamine release, it is not understood currently.

It is commonly accepted that music has a powerful impact upon our mood, as well as being a crucial aspect of society. Since music is so personal it is tempting to think that our individual relationship with music, or the musicians, is unique. I appreciate the reality that our own experience is specifically unique, but in general not rare given how many people there are on the planet. I think this is a more grounded way to view things, especially when you hear about people who hijack everything about a song and even argue with a musician about what a particular track actually means, telling the musician they are wrong about their own version!?

I like to consider that I have a broad taste in music, but unsurprisingly I definitely have my preferences. One of my big influences at 16 was Doom Metal bands like Anathema, My Dying Bride and Paradise Lost; an honourable mention to Black Sabbath for their great tracks in this genre previously. The reason for writing about Doom Metal is that I saw the following post:

I love so many bands/musicians, but in particular Anathema. If I had to pick they are my joint favourite since I also adore New Model Army with an intensity I find shocking to myself.

I first saw Anathema after the Serenades album came out at my local rock club in Blackpool called The Tache, I think it was in 1993. Most of my night club mates had diverse taste in music, although they preferred the metal scene, so it was no surprise that several of them could be listening to an acid house track one moment, then listen to pop, punk, death metal, etc. without it being a big deal. At the time Doom had the potential to blow up, with Paradise Lost doing great , given that Metallica was suddenly a global giant and Guns N Roses were in the mainstream it seemed oddly possibly Doom could become massive. Never mind the interesting diverse Industrial bands like Ministry Psalm 69 seemed like it was about to be massive, or the quirky but cool G.G.F.H. was being discussed; I recall discussing the potential of a band merging Doom and Industrial sounds.

 

Quite a few of us were really into the Anathema – Serenades album, in part due to the surprisingly diverse nature of the work. The creeping sounds at the start of “Lovelorn Rhapsody” sets the tone for the album well, and builds in to what could be considered a quintessential Doom Metal track; a slow intense almost frustrating build towards something more layered, then reaching a more head-banging worthy pace for the last third.

The much beloved track Sleepless could be badly described as if The Cure made a Doom Metal track, but then got frustrated at their style change, before deciding to fully commit to the project; I mean that as a compliment, it’s a great track, and hints at what Anathema will evolve in to.

The track “J’ai fait une promesse” has a particularly special place for some of the people that were a year or two older than at The Tache, this is because a regular had died of cancer and this track was played at his funeral. I recall this tracks placement in the album was somewhat debated, some finding it to out of place, others loving the difference and the fact that why shouldn’t it be there.

I have offered to help Selim with his project. Between painkillers, alcohol and reminiscing I’ve not felt so bad tonight. For me there is little like listening to Anathema on repeat to make me feel better, but I will write more on them (via speech system) another day.

<sup>1. [“Electronic Gaming as Pain Distraction”]↩
2. [“Superior Analgesic Effect of an Active Distraction versus Pleasant Unfamiliar Sounds and Music: The Influence of Emotion and Cognitive Style”]↩</sup>

 

 

Kaizo Trap review on NoobGrind + Update

UPDATE: article is now here Kaizo Trap – A Love Story

Personal Update: My MRI scan revealed a lot fluid around my left shoulder, but thankfully no major structural damage was detected. The massive amount of swelling has slowly been reducing, since I am not doing much, which is incredible frustrating. The incredible levels of pain has reduced somewhat as the swelling has gone down, I still have chronic intense pain, so stating it has reduced is almost meaningless, but it is an improvement at least. Any hopes to go back training in February were quashed back in January, and it seems like the whole of March will be out as well.

NoobGrind: After weeks of not doing much, I have managed to use speech recognition to write an article about the incredible video called Kaizo Trap. http://www.noobgrind.com/kaizo-trap-a-gaming-love-story/

A whole bunch of other articles are planned, and maybe I’ll get another done soon. My enthusiasm about the subjects is somewhat demolished by the pain, and wariness of doing anything.

Gaming: Downplay studio importance

I have a new article up on NoobGrind. This one is about the idea of gaming studio legacy, and how for the most part it is not something that should be treated as important, although there are a few notable exceptions. I don’t have much extra to add to the article, other than I did delete a sizeable amount of swearing when I first wrote about publishers. It did get me thinking, surely there must be a publisher that deserves attention for not being a metaphorical incarnation of evil and capitalist extremism. If there is truly only anomalies to the norm than that really is a horrible indictment on the gaming industry.

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In personal news: My MRI scan on 22 January 2016 went well, whilst it wasn’t as claustrophobic as the tunnel scanner, it was still somewhat due to the size of the machine.

Invisible Disability (RSI) & Gigs

Current news: I have an MRI scan for my left shoulder on 22^nd January 2016. Hopefully the odd crunching and lack of flexibility I have had in the shoulder for years is revealed. Maybe the underlying damage was the reason the shoulder injury got so bad so quickly, and has not gone away.

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In 2015 I was fortunate enough to see two of my favourite bands, Walk off the Earth, and then a few weeks later Anathema. Both gigs were amazing and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, but due to my RSI I am not able to enjoy concerts like I used to. It is frustrating having to avoid clapping, as even clapping for a few seconds can set the pain signals to high alert, never mind clapping near constantly over several hours. However, there is the additional issue of the social situation, as clapping at gigs is the norm, and not clapping stands out.

Many years ago I went to see W.A.S.P. in concert, along with a friend I went to the front, directly in front of Blackie Lawless. It was at the Manchester Academy, small stage, so I was within arms reach of the man! Blackie was great, but after he seemingly made eye contact with me several times I started to become self-conscious. Not because singers looking at someone is unusual, but I realised I probably looked strange due to keeping my arms hugged across my chest to keep them safe.

Over the next two songs my embarrassment grew as Blackie made eye contact several more times, I felt like he was not only singing to the crowd, but that he was challenging me to join in. Eventually I gave in to the pressure, I unfolded my arms and joined in the arm waving and clapping. Blackie seemed to smile, maybe because he had conquered me, or maybe it was just coincidence. I decided I would worry about the pain later, and since I always had some level of discomfort to outright pain it may as well be on my terms.

Logically to anyone looking at me I would stand out in a crowd, after all I look healthy/normal, but also like somebody who was obviously not enjoying themselves; I generally strive to consider other peoples’ perception. As I realised how odd I likely looked, and also how awkward I felt, I waited till Blackie’s eyes were elsewhere then I withdrew from the front.

Even though I stood at the back for the rest of the concert I still had a good time. However, I still felt like my sensible precaution to avoid a severe RSI pain attack had reduced my potential enjoyment. During the drive home I pondered whether I was being overly sensitive in considering whether members of the band really were taking notice of me, or that I would ruin their experience of the gig. I suppose over time I could be perceived as a being miserable idiot, because of the comparison to everyone else around me, who were clearly having a ton of fun clapping and singing. Maybe it is like the big concert scene in the movie Queen of the Damned, when Lestat is on stage and you can tell who the vampires are due to them standing perfectly still.

The trouble is I’m not a vampire, despite my nickname, I cannot regenerate the damage to my arms and now left shoulder. Besides with so many different versions of vampires, I don’t fancy the identity crisis that I’d gain.

My conclusion at the W.A.S.P. gig was twofold:

• Going to the front of a gig risks being banged about, and sadly I need to accept that it is a factor for me.
• That if I am going to place myself in front of somebody then I do need to consider my affect upon them. Not in the sense of a rule that their feelings totally override my own, but in the more mature sense of considering that their feelings matter, and I don’t want to feel like I am causing others issues. If I place myself in a social situation, but then I deviate from the norm, then I am breaking a social contract.

A massive ramification of having an invisible disability is other people. Their perception affects me if only because of their questions, and sometimes disbelieving attitudes or outright dismissive opinions. So even if I wanted to pretend that peoples’ opinions don’t matter, they do, since they directly affect me. Thankfully I have a great bunch of friends, and even support at work has been great.

Thankfully at both Anathema and Walk off the Earth I was able to have a good time, to not feel awkward, to not put myself in the position of breaking a social contract.

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For those wanting to read more about invisible disabilities:

http://invisibledisabilities.org/what-is-an-invisible-disability/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invisible_disability worth it for the references 😉